Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
