i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
