I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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