My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Even my vagina gasped.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
