you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
