i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
