Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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