she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
