If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Randomize
