kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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