So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
pop tarts are not kleenex
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
