Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Randomize
