Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
So much rum. So many feels.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
