Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
When are your genitals available?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
