i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
