god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
