Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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