its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
