I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
