you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
