The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize