I'm so fucking centered right now
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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