my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
