Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
