I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize