Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
You left your phone here
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