the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize