oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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