i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
