She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Bring me that man meat
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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