I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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