No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
My balls are so social today.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize