my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
