I just pynch a tree in the face
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
