is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
