So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize