How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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