So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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