Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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