The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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