I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
