Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
