I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
