Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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