Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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