Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize