my soul wont recognize me after tonight
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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