Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Randomize