This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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