I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
it's not cheating when I paid for it
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Randomize
