I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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