my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
