i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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