I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
