No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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