yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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