i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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