I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
