I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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