the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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