I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize