You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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