Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
