yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
