they said they heard you say put it in my butt
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
