when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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