She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
