So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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