my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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