Who wears a wallet chain?!
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
