You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
