I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
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