Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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