Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
