tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
