I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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