I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize